Ode to Old Houses

This is my piece that's supposed to be as descriptive as hell or something. This is just my portrayal of my uncle's house (which used to be my grandpa's so it's really pretty old. P.S. I just like the word "ode"; only english teachers and writers know what the word actually means, and you can make anything sound cooler (or snoodier) by calling it an "ode to dis" or an "ode to dat" (without the dis n dat of course).

Did you hear that? The crunching of rubber on asphalt screams like the moans of canine guardians over the eves of mountains. Faces. Sledged mercilessly into the cascading falls rushing water pounding into cement crevices. Falling. As you rush to seek shelter from the endless night, its purple eyes follow you across a stretch of rocks ready to knaw at your tender knee caps and palms as your drops under the weight of malice. The creatures that lurk inside snap, as they reach for the chance to savor the morsels of you fingertips. Be careful. Spongy moist ground pulls your toes and sinks and springs the demonic screams that rebound off of the walls and gaping canyons break through the floor trapping you forever entangling the bits of limbs pierced by ancient punji traps.

Isn't that fun? No, actually I love that house, it's just that it's right up against a steep hillside, and when it's raining really hard sometimes, there's a waterfall in the backyard into a mini canal. Oh, and when I was a little kid before it got the cement driveway, I used to run around and always trip and stuff. You know, kid stuff. Oh, and it's painted like barney; green with purple windowsills. And my grandpa used to watch my uncle's dobermans during the day and sometimes into the night, and my dad just kept his malevolant parrot that hates me with a passions there. The floors are pretty creaky and always used to make me feel like a ninja too :)